7 birthdays missed, 7 Mother’s days celebrated by myself and 7 Christmas’ without her. 84 months of trying to figure out motherhood on my own and 84 months of missing her. 364 weeks of learning to trust myself, of growing up and trying to figure out who I am without her. 2555 days without hearing her voice or her laughter. 2555 days of wishing we had more time or wishing things could be different. December 16th marks the anniversary of my mother’s death and 2009 means that 7 years have passed.
I just can’t believe it’s been that long.
There’s no one to tell my kids what their mother was like when she was little. All the funny stories that they’d love to hear that I just can’t remember. All of the stories that make me unique and make me...well...me are gone with her. She wasn’t there to dance with my niece when she was a baby like she did with my kids when we couldn’t get them to settle. To songs like Hold Me, Kiss Me, Thrill me; a song that still has the ability to make Sarah feel happy and loved. She missed all of the awards the kids got at school, or graduation or the first day of high school.
There was no one to guide us through Dad’s mental illness. No one to yell at the doctors when he wasn’t getting better. No one to force Dad to fight through the cancer...She was the only one that could have done that. She wasn’t there when we had to say goodbye to dad even though we needed her then....so very much! And it breaks my heart when I think of all the wonderful things yet to come that she will be noticeably absent for. Like boyfriends, more graduations, weddings and my grandchildren being born. She should be here. For all of it!
How are we going to face another 7 years of doing it alone? Another 84 months of trying to remember her, trying to remember her laugh or the funny stories or all the wonderful memories. 364 weeks of juggling my mothering act without her pointing me in the right direction or being there to catch me if I fall, holding the safety net taut so that I just bounce back. Or 2555 days of missing everything about her, the way she was proud of me and the way she adored me.
We’ll handle it like we did the last 7. Hour by hour, day by day. And hopefully one day soon, we’ll wake up, see the sun shining and think about her - without sadness and without shedding a tear. We’ll just think about her smile.
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Katie - when you were a little girl you had crazy freckles. Your hair used to stand up on end sometimes so you used to wear barrettes in it. You were pretty good at baseball and an excellent swimmer. However, you weren't much help at babysitting.
ReplyDeleteYou liked things to be done a certain way. Traditions kept the same year after year. You were a good big sister and a very tolerant little cousin. You turned out to be exactly who you were supposed to be. And you are so much like your mom sometimes it hurts my throat.
Sad but beautifully written......from the heart. Katie, I think people reading this will hopefully learn to not take for granted their parents. I know you have made me smarten up.
ReplyDeleteKatie, thanks for writing that beautiful story about your mom. Cherish the memories and she does live on in you, Mike and the three girls. You'e right, it just doesn't seem that long that she was here being her wonderful self. Merry Christmas
ReplyDeleteRose was the best sister anyone could ever ask for. She was always there to listen or to give advice. She accepted everyone for who they were. I miss her every day.
ReplyDeleteKate I still remember picking you up and taking you to Harrison Park to play on the swings. You were and are such a delightful young lady. Cherish all of the memories of your mom cause she does still live within you and all around you. I truly believe your mom's spirit is with you always watching over you so don't ever forget that or let it go. I miss your mom too, the phone calls I always made to the house, the talks we used to have and the wisdom she gave me when my marriage fell apart and I needed someone to talk to. I cared for her just like the sister I never had growing up and I do miss her but the memories live on in my heart.
ReplyDeleteLove you
Aunt Daryl