7 birthdays missed, 7 Mother’s days celebrated by myself and 7 Christmas’ without her. 84 months of trying to figure out motherhood on my own and 84 months of missing her. 364 weeks of learning to trust myself, of growing up and trying to figure out who I am without her. 2555 days without hearing her voice or her laughter. 2555 days of wishing we had more time or wishing things could be different. December 16th marks the anniversary of my mother’s death and 2009 means that 7 years have passed.
I just can’t believe it’s been that long.
There’s no one to tell my kids what their mother was like when she was little. All the funny stories that they’d love to hear that I just can’t remember. All of the stories that make me unique and make me...well...me are gone with her. She wasn’t there to dance with my niece when she was a baby like she did with my kids when we couldn’t get them to settle. To songs like Hold Me, Kiss Me, Thrill me; a song that still has the ability to make Sarah feel happy and loved. She missed all of the awards the kids got at school, or graduation or the first day of high school.
There was no one to guide us through Dad’s mental illness. No one to yell at the doctors when he wasn’t getting better. No one to force Dad to fight through the cancer...She was the only one that could have done that. She wasn’t there when we had to say goodbye to dad even though we needed her then....so very much! And it breaks my heart when I think of all the wonderful things yet to come that she will be noticeably absent for. Like boyfriends, more graduations, weddings and my grandchildren being born. She should be here. For all of it!
How are we going to face another 7 years of doing it alone? Another 84 months of trying to remember her, trying to remember her laugh or the funny stories or all the wonderful memories. 364 weeks of juggling my mothering act without her pointing me in the right direction or being there to catch me if I fall, holding the safety net taut so that I just bounce back. Or 2555 days of missing everything about her, the way she was proud of me and the way she adored me.
We’ll handle it like we did the last 7. Hour by hour, day by day. And hopefully one day soon, we’ll wake up, see the sun shining and think about her - without sadness and without shedding a tear. We’ll just think about her smile.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Little Black Miracle?
I hate dress shopping. There. I said it! I’m always disappointed, there’s never a whole lot of ‘plus’ size selections and I always end up with something that ‘could really look good if’…I decided some time ago that it’s just my body – I don’t have the right body type to make a dress work and opt instead for 2 pieces. I have a really killer pencil skirt that show off my legs (my second best feature in my opinion) and that usually ends up being my go-to skirt for any occasions that could call for a dress.
So, I really didn’t like the idea of having to go dress shopping when my husband informed me that my pencil skirt wouldn’t cut it for his work Christmas party. I was shocked really. When I said this skirt looked good, I might have been under-playing it a little bit – I get a lot of attention whenever I wear it and the last time I wore it to work, my boss asked me how my husband let me out of the house looking that sexy. I really just wanted to be comfortable and wear my old reliable. But, it’s not every day that your husband insists you go shopping for a dress so I got into my body armor (my preference is the Body Wrap from Addition-Elle http://www.1-plus.com/addition-elle-shapewear-Body-Wrap-hi-waist-brief-panty_stcVVproductId62508938VVcatId545011VVviewprod.htm) and had Sarah and Bella tagging along to give me as much constructive criticism that they could at 14 and 10 respectively.
My first stop was to Addition-Elle, my favourite plus size store. A sales lady headed our way almost immediately and I explained what we were looking for. Her reaction – “I’m not sure what we have in YOUR size”, almost had me running right out of the store. I was immediately deflated and could feel the tears welling up. I mean, it’s not like I was in a regular size store expecting them to have things in my size. I was in a store that specializes in clothing my size. In fact I’d go so far as to say my size, is the most popular plus size (mostly because I can never find my size). Like, is it really necessary to go there at all? Maybe a tad bit unprofessional given the fact it’s a plus size store. Was making me feel like shit worth potentially losing the sale? It’s not like us plus size gals have that many options for crying out loud! But, I decided to take the high road and ignore it. I wasn’t exactly ready for a whole weight debate in front of my daughters with a lady who was probably the same size as me. So needless to say, my hopes of finding a dress that looked good were wearing a little thin by that point.
Shaking it off, I pulled every dress the store had in my size (5 out of the 7 dresses they had total…not bad considering she didn’t think there was anything in MY size). Sarah and Bella were surprisingly amazing. Voicing their opinions on what they thought worked and what they thought didn’t and we quickly realized that the first 4 dresses just weren’t going to cut it for various reasons. Still deflated, I tried on the last dress. Terrified that if I didn’t look at least OK in it I was going to have to face the sales lady’s ‘I told you so’ stare as we walked out of the store empty handed. I put it on and faced the mirror pleasantly surprised with my reflection. It was more than OK. I looked downright fantastic and my girls’ collective sigh when I walked out of the change room confirmed it. I almost cried, having tried for years to find a dress that made me feel the way this dress did, confident and beautiful.
I hurried to the cash, desperate to own this little black miracle, sporting my own ‘I told you so’ stare. It didn’t matter that she wouldn’t look me in the eye while ringing up my purchase. I found it. It’s mine. And it was half price.
I won this round!
So, I really didn’t like the idea of having to go dress shopping when my husband informed me that my pencil skirt wouldn’t cut it for his work Christmas party. I was shocked really. When I said this skirt looked good, I might have been under-playing it a little bit – I get a lot of attention whenever I wear it and the last time I wore it to work, my boss asked me how my husband let me out of the house looking that sexy. I really just wanted to be comfortable and wear my old reliable. But, it’s not every day that your husband insists you go shopping for a dress so I got into my body armor (my preference is the Body Wrap from Addition-Elle http://www.1-plus.com/addition-elle-shapewear-Body-Wrap-hi-waist-brief-panty_stcVVproductId62508938VVcatId545011VVviewprod.htm) and had Sarah and Bella tagging along to give me as much constructive criticism that they could at 14 and 10 respectively.
My first stop was to Addition-Elle, my favourite plus size store. A sales lady headed our way almost immediately and I explained what we were looking for. Her reaction – “I’m not sure what we have in YOUR size”, almost had me running right out of the store. I was immediately deflated and could feel the tears welling up. I mean, it’s not like I was in a regular size store expecting them to have things in my size. I was in a store that specializes in clothing my size. In fact I’d go so far as to say my size, is the most popular plus size (mostly because I can never find my size). Like, is it really necessary to go there at all? Maybe a tad bit unprofessional given the fact it’s a plus size store. Was making me feel like shit worth potentially losing the sale? It’s not like us plus size gals have that many options for crying out loud! But, I decided to take the high road and ignore it. I wasn’t exactly ready for a whole weight debate in front of my daughters with a lady who was probably the same size as me. So needless to say, my hopes of finding a dress that looked good were wearing a little thin by that point.
Shaking it off, I pulled every dress the store had in my size (5 out of the 7 dresses they had total…not bad considering she didn’t think there was anything in MY size). Sarah and Bella were surprisingly amazing. Voicing their opinions on what they thought worked and what they thought didn’t and we quickly realized that the first 4 dresses just weren’t going to cut it for various reasons. Still deflated, I tried on the last dress. Terrified that if I didn’t look at least OK in it I was going to have to face the sales lady’s ‘I told you so’ stare as we walked out of the store empty handed. I put it on and faced the mirror pleasantly surprised with my reflection. It was more than OK. I looked downright fantastic and my girls’ collective sigh when I walked out of the change room confirmed it. I almost cried, having tried for years to find a dress that made me feel the way this dress did, confident and beautiful.
I hurried to the cash, desperate to own this little black miracle, sporting my own ‘I told you so’ stare. It didn’t matter that she wouldn’t look me in the eye while ringing up my purchase. I found it. It’s mine. And it was half price.
I won this round!
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