This is my favourite time of year. The leaves are changing colour, the air is crisper and Santa season is right around the corner. There are so many great holidays this time of year – Thanksgiving, Halloween, Christmas and the grand finale – New Years! Holiday parties and shopping for just the right gifts. The first snowfall (as long as I don’t have to drive in it!) and the first snowman and snow angels. Hot chocolate, trimming our tree and humming to the wonderful melodies we all know by heart. This is what I’ve worked so hard for all year – it’s my reward, my pat on the back!
Simultaneously, this is also the worst time of the year for me. The time of year where I force those walls back up and paste a smile on my face trying to hide how emotionally overwhelming it really is. The time of year where crying and driving is at an all time high. It started ten years ago - all of this history occurring within the last weeks of the year - when my Grandpa died. The first time I had experienced death really. I adored my Grandpa and was devastated. Then seven years ago was probably the worst year of my life. My Nana died first – a fabulous woman from the tips of her vibrant red hair down to her polished toe nails. A woman who had a brooch on every single coat and who probably owned every skin care product ever invented. My husband’s grandmother was next – just a few short weeks after Nana. A woman so incredible we felt compelled to name our daughter after her. And then the climax – a couple more weeks go by and then my mom - who died far too soon and who I still miss...so much. And interspersed with all of this, we have my mom’s birthday (tomorrow!) and next month, my dad’s birthday.
I can’t help but be reminded of all that I’ve lost and all that I’ll miss out on. And I can’t help but think, has enough time gone by? Should I be over it already? If so, how? How does one move past dwelling on the bad times? It’s not like I do it all the time mind you but this time of year is just incredibly difficult and after seven years, I still haven’t figured out how to move past it. How to let myself just feel without the tears, to genuinely smile without the walls while allowing myself to remember it all...the good and the bad.
I’ll be thinking a lot about my mom tomorrow. She would have been 55 years old. I’ll feel sorry for myself and I’ll probably cry in the car on the way to work. I’ll talk to the girls about her and just try to get through the day minute by minute...hour by hour. Maybe I’ll get them to start on their Christmas lists this weekend. Retail therapy never hurt anyone...right?
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