Don't Cry and Drive...

You know that scene in the movie 'Airplane' where the woman is freaking out and all the other passengers line up to try and 'slap her out of it'? Now, we've all had moments where we wanted to be in that lineup (with a baseball bat or boxing gloves pounding our fists just waiting for our turn) but what about moments where you were the one that needed the slapping?

A couple of months after my mom died, I had my 'moment'. I was doing my morning commute to work driving through one of the busiest stretches of the 401 when it happened. My chest started to tighten and breathing became quite difficult. I was sobbing and my mind started to drift until I forgot where I was. I didn't even realize that on this incredibly busy highway, I had brought my car to a full and complete stop. In the express lanes. On the 401. Yikes! I can't even really remember what I was thinking about specifically but as my mind wandered around the traffic, I'm sure it was about my mom and all the things that we were going to miss out on.

I don't think I sat there for very long. Incessant honking and flashes of the cars flying by seemed to ‘slap’ me out of it and only when I arrived at work safely, did I appreciate the danger I had put myself in. Driving has never been the same for me since then. It’s no longer the place where I get an hour to myself with my own random thoughts about nothing. And even though my time alone in the car has reduced since then (stop worrying folks – I moved closer to work) almost 7 years later, it’s still the place where I do most of my grieving, often arriving at work with puffy eyes and a blotchy face. Sure signs that I’ve been crying.

Driving isn’t the only thing that has changed either. Relationships have changed – some for the better and some…not so much. I try not to get lost in the monotony of every day life (sleep, kids off to school, work, home, sleep etc...). Instead, I’m just trying to live each moment and not worry about things that aren’t important. Finding time to have fun and to laugh, finding time to remember and reflect and sometimes, finding the time to just be sad.

The most noticeable change is probably how I have evolved as a mother, with only me to rely on, forced to trust my own judgement instead of soliciting my mother’s advice. Juggling my own grief, along with what my girls are going through. Remembering that they lost their grandmother and best friend all rolled into one incredible person. Teaching them that it’s OK to miss her, it’s OK to be sad and most importantly that it’s OK to be happy – they are kids after all.

And, teaching them that there’s nothing wrong with finding enjoyment in little things. Even when it’s just a silly movie that makes them giggle.